Here Is A Guide To Soothe Your Poor Brain
Let me use my evil talents for good
Hello night creepies,
Have you given any thought to consuming more things? Maybe perhaps, after looking back at the traditional yearly frenzy of gluttony and expenditures, you thought, “Am I doing this right?” The answer, always, is no. Which is why milking whatever self-ascribed luxury you can from this frenetic world is a delightful—nay, necessary—practice.
If you’ve been reading for a while, you know that I spent a good portion of my career writing for lifestyle publishers—specifically women’s lifestyle publishers. Perhaps this is unsurprising to the savvy reader but it must be said; in its current and most modern iteration, women’s lifestyle publishing exists, at its core, to give you lists of things to buy. (On the other hand, men’s lifestyle publishing exists to equate certain brands with certain lifestyles.) Despite the political lean, the subject matter, or the audience, the output is the same: Endless round-ups of products to purchase. Home products. Baby products. Beauty products. Food products. Hat products. Cat products. (This format has worked to sell ads and generate affiliate revenue for quite some time, until we all started buying our products off of TikTok and now the round-ups are all about TikTok products.)
SUFFICE TO SAY: I am very good at gift guides.
Preternaturally good. I can whip one up with flavor and aplomb in 5-10 minutes and you will look at it and say, “hrm, perhaps this is useful to me” as I have been trained in a sweatshop. Or you might think, “that doesn’t sound useful at all” or “Anyone can do that”, and the answer is, it isn’t and they can’t. Avoiding Amazon, major retailers, or anything that can feel like a tchochtke is hard as hell, man.
So I decide to use my powers for good, and move my annual Twitter X Anti-Semetic Disinfo Hell Twitter gift guide over here, hopefully giving you fine people a little respite from Holiday Sales And Anxiety. Enjoy.
Cometeer Coffee is really, really taste
“I hate this, this is stupid and wasteful and I don’t need another K-Cup.” Correct, my friend, and this was my take too, but Cometeer honestly feels like it has single-serve coffee figured out. It’s flash frozen and lives in your freezer to be dethawed as needed, you can add water for a regular coffee or milk for a latte, and you can serve it hot or cold. It takes about :30s (cold) to 2 minutes (hot) to make, and it is all from indie roasters around the US, so it is legit tasty. Oh, and it comes in aluminum casing, so you just smoosh and recycle, no weird mailing or eco-guilt tripping required.
Cometeer Coffee tumblr bundle ($59.99) or trial pack ($64)
Yours For The Taking is gatekeeping, girlbossing, gaslighting goodness
Speaking of eco-guilt, this queer-focused dystopian cli-fi comes out this December so it is hot off the presses, and its a timely read that takes workplace Girlbossing to its obvious and maniacal conclusion. Inherently original but an easy read, it has queer love, corporate feminism, climate horror, and good smooches. Read it before it is picked up by Hulu.
By Gabrielle Korn. Releases Dec. 5, $29.00
Innersense Scalp Scrub has made my hair grow thicker
“What in the goddess’s name is a scalp scrub, Leila?” you say. Well, I will tell you, you naive youngling, you absolute newborn colt. It is the best thing you can give yourself on a daily basis that is still legal. It exfoliates your scalp and makes your hair extremely smooth and easy-to-grow while essentially giving you the tactile experience of having a scalp massager reach your deepest secrets. I also deeply cosign any Innersense product, as one of the first B-Corp beauty brands that exist, so give the whole line a try, but this is truly unfuckwithable.
Innersense True Enlightenment Scalp Scrub, $42.00
The Overlook blanket is creepy/cuddly
For those who somehow don’t recognize this iconic print, you have an intriguing mid-century throw that’ll look good on any couch. But for a horror cinephile, being offered the ability to snuggle into the Overlook’s signature carpet is both extremely cool and macabre. In fact, Rob Sheridan’s whole line is extremely cool and macabre, but this is a deep cut for the homies and a pleasant cuddly bit for the Kubrick unaware. Perfect for every derangement.
Rob Sheridan’s The Overlook, $49.95
Custom Whiskey Stones are a flex
Look at these. Look at how nice they are. Imagine someone bringing out the “nice set” of engraved stones for you to sip on. Imagine it in the summer, in some lemonade. Pure class. Pure style. People love doing weird shit with their ice. Buy this today and it’ll be in time for Christmas.
Engraved Whiskey Stones, $38.99
Candela Obscura is D&D lite for goths
This simple-to-learn gaming system is not just a stunning object, but it actually gives a group something to do (egads!). It may take a few minutes to get up and running, but once you have a Lightkeeper in place to guide the story, your giftees will find themselves in an immersive turn-of-the-century world where magick is real and dangerous. There is (or can be) very little battle, focusing on investigation, mystery, and inter-group dynamics instead.
Candela Obscura, $39.99 (or, digitally $19.99)
Lunya’s silk jumpsuit is made for everything
Okay, this is expensive, and often out of stock, but it is the nicest thing I own. I have slept in it. I have worn it to birthday parties. I have put shirts on under it. It is universally flattering and also, I cannot find a silk jumper that is as pleasing as this. I would buy 20 of these and give them to every person I know and they would all be so happy. (Hot tip: If you put yourself on the waitlist for a size, it checks every store to see if that size is in and contacts you immediately, meaning you get off the waitlist pretty fast.) Reader: IT HAS POCKETS.
Lunya washable silk elastic strap jumpsuit, $268
Breveté is a worthy upgrade
Good news, everyone! The kids love backpacks! Thanks to ongoing TikTok trends and the general quiet luxury movement, a well-made, colorful backpack is once again entirely legitimate as your main carryall. I think Breveté’s are pretty sharp, and they have a pretty nice array of sizes and styles. We all love backpacks, ours are all in dire need of an upgrade (I see you over there with that Herschel Supply Co. from 2010, I know you), and everyone would be glad for a new satchel. (If you want a more adult, pricier vibe, I absolutely LOVE the Monos Metro backpack which actually changes into a duffle.)
The Breveté Backpack, $103.99
Quince’s faux-luxurious cashmere sweater
You can give someone this cashmere sweater and they will be like, “wow, you must love me so much, this is cashmere, you must like me an extra amount,” and you can smile and nod and feel good knowing that you only spent $50 ($59 for men) on this sweater, but no one is the wiser. Also, you can tuck this sweater in, which is a miracle for sweaterkind.
Quince Mongolian Cashmere Crewneck Sweater, $50
Glass straws are just happy-making
You know what is cool about glass straws? Everything. They are reusable, they cheer up a drink, folks feel special when they get to sip out of one. I’ve gifted these exact straws several times and they are received extremely cheerfully because they fulfill my number one gift giving requirement: Give something someone would never buy for themselves, but will certainly use.
Kikkerland Glass Straws, $13
Additional ideas:
Mondo Tiki Mugs for extreme weirdos, $35-65
Friendship lamps for long distance loves, $165
Contour Cube for DIY facials, $22
Nodpod is a weighted blanked for your eyes, $34
A24’s crossword collection for movie fans, $34
Hehe, see what I did there?